The 3 Pillars of a Relationship

The three pillars in any relationship are:

  • Attraction – Physical and sexual attraction.
  • Chemistry – Personality and conversational compatibility
  • Values – Core values and lifestyle

People prioritize these in different ways, but I believe all three are necessary for a good relationship. Maybe when I’m actually married, I’ll change and update my views.. but for now, read on.


Attraction is necessary because we’re biological animals, hardwired to procreate. For anyone who says attraction is superficial, well let me ask you this: If you had great chemistry with Rosie O’ Donnell, would you think she’s your soulmate? No.

But, attraction doesn’t only mean your looks. You can create attraction through your persona, confidence, and vibe. Men seem more responsive to appearance, but women have a keen sense of picking up subconscious cues and emotional vibes to determine what kind of man you are.

If the necessary ingredient of attraction doesn’t exist, then you just become a friend and nothing more (sorry bro, you just got friend zoned!).


Chemistry is personality and conversational compatibility.

  • Do you have good rapport with that person?
  • Are you comfortable and engaged?
  • Or maybe you enjoy the push and pull dynamic?
  • Do you like to be challenged and enjoy conversational banter with sarcasm?

Everyone has different personalities, but the quicker you can express your personality without fear, the quicker others can start to resonate with you.

I think people also change over time, but chemistry is one of those things you can’t explain logically. It’s human intuition and emotion, you just know it. If you have zero chemistry, it’s okay you still have a chance. We have a one night stand for a reason.


Values is something that grows in importance as you gain more maturity. At least this is what it feels like to me. Everyone should have core values and beliefs for what is important to you, your life, and your lifestyle. If you don’t have any, then you probably have no boundaries and aren’t ready to settle down. I used to think that this was not important at all, and if you also share this thought, then you were probably like me 2-3 years ago.

Living with someone is way different than seeing them every weekend. You witness their hygiene, their farts and odors, and the way they roll on toilet paper whether the flap is over or under. You realize what you find annoying and what they find annoying.

  • Do you share the same goals, trust-factor, and independence?
  • How do they treat other people and what kind of character do they have?
  • Do you share the same views on health and diet?
  • Or what about exercise?
  • Can they get along with your family?
  • Career ambitions?

Of course no one is perfect and can fill all your check boxes, but you should have some sort of idea of what your core values are.

So if you’re stuck in a pickle, I would evaluate these three pillars and ask yourself truthfully. What do you think? Do you disagree?

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